This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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