"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
