Soap is not a condiment
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
