Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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