It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
