so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
