so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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