I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
