all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
