His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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