Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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