you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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