I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
