I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
