Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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