explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
