I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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