I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
