It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
