Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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