i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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