i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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