I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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