Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
