U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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