i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
