so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
