hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
