I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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