then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
