I think I died a long time ago.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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