the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
