Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
