i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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