someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
