just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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