peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize