Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Randomize
