I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This baby is an asshole
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize