i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
