whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
