My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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