Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
