What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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