Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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