This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
