My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
