Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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