someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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