proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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