I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
