I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
