im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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