Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
